Questions to Ask Before Joining a Coven

Ladies, these days there are more and more options for harnessing dark forces to your will. While you could seek mastery of the invisible realms on your own, consider the potential benefits of joining a coven. For one thing, coven-based rituals have a greater chance of success since the group effort magnifies the power of everyone’s intentions. Coven work is literally empowering! Your fellow witches are a wonderful resource for learning hexes, bindings, and fun ways of styling your hair for those summer music festivals. Besides, nothing can beat the sense of sisterhood to be found when you and twelve of your besties connect around a bubbling cauldron, just basking in the song of the whippoorwill, the light of the moon and the cries of that persistent newspaper reporter. The right coven can do wonders for your flying ointment, your bread, and your social life, but first you’re going to have to do your research. There’s nothing more awkward than finding yourself the odd witch out in the middle of a crucial Walpurgisnacht when you assume everyone wants honeycakes but half of your coven is gluten-free! Getting to know as much as you can about your potential coven before you commit can save you a lot of time and heartache. Here are some questions that can help you in your search for the perfect coven.

1. What is the coven’s mission statement? Will there be the opportunity for great workings beyond the traditional milk-souring, storm-raising and enaction of mandatory female hiring quotas?
2. Is this a coven where I can materially improve my life through the application of dark powers, or one of those deals where we all just dance around at the Equinox?
3. Does the coven maintain an official grimoire? What are the standard procedures followed should the grimoire be discovered and used by a group of horny teens just out for some fun in an old cabin in the woods?
4. What kind of women do you allow in? Are they cool, or will I have to put up with a lot of conversations about “juicing”?
5. What sort of recruitment efforts does the coven engage in? Are they open to avenues beyond knitting circles, book clubs and ads in the back of MS Magazine?
6. Does the coven operate any of the usual business fronts, such as beekeeping, herbalists or eyebrow threading salons?
7. What are the duties of the High Priestess outside of consorting with the Great Goat and maintaining the coven’s Instagram feed?
8. How are targets and sacrifices identified? Is there a lottery to which coven members can add the names of potential victims or does the coven rely on nosy men stumbling in from the outside world?
9. What is your dress code? Are rituals performed skyclad, in robes or pantsuits? If robes are required, do you provide them? Is there an official outfitter the coven prefers? Are there regulations governing diadems, coronets or other headwear?
10. Where will Sabbats and Esbats take place? If on remote islands, groves or crossroads, will nearby accommodation be available at group rates? How will transportation be handled? If by spectral horses, does the coven have an insurance policy in case of accidents?
11. What is your approach to Necromancy? Is summoning dead musicians for the purpose of, say, dinner party entertainment frowned upon?
12. Who supplies ritual items to the coven? Are there multiple sources for potions, phials and tinctures? Which of the preceding are created in-house? Is there quality-control oversight of the raw materials to ensure the freshness of toads, bats and grave dirt? Does the coven use poppets? Are the wicker men built by coven members or outsourced to contractors?
13. Which sorts of animals are approved familiars? Are there exceptions made for really really cute cats that do this neat thing with their paws where they can hold a little piece of kibble between them but happen not to be black?
14. Can we just, like, talk about shoes for a bit?

Etsy Finds: Tetrad Edition

I return to you now at the turn of the tide, or something Gandalf would say. I’ve been consumed with my latest project, Baby Prime. Baby Prime is nearly a year old now, and it’s taken all this time to start getting some of my time and sanity back, but Baby is doing fabulously and I’m still shuffling about, gibbering and shedding hair as per the usual.

April begins a astrological/-nomical phenomena known as a Tetrad. This is a series of four lunar eclipses in a row. Astrologically, eclipses can set off crises in your life in the house in which the eclipse falls. These trials are often painful or stressful yet necessary for growth. So, we’re coming up on a set of four little personal apocalypses. For more about where you can expect your life to explode, see here. Perhaps you may be able to defray the Goddess’ wroth by robing yourself in her protective sigils.* Here are some examples:

This blood moon pendant by Out of Space Jewelry reflects the image of the darkened eclipse moon. Hang this around your neck in the hopes that in seeing her reflection, the Moon will briefly take pity upon you and confine her ill effects to an easily solved and inexpensive household issue, like running out of laundry soap.

This lunar jersey dress by Shadowplay NYC reminds the universe: “I’m a Moonchild. Do not fuck with me, dark powers.” It’s made of cotton jersey, and so sensible for the upcoming heat of late spring and summer. The dress can be worn several ways, either as a short dress or a long tunic. It’s sewn so that it hangs asymmetrically. I recently got one of these dresses in a different print from Shadowplay, and it fits more like a long tunic. I love their cosmic prints. Try wearing this to your Esbats for an extra moon-boost.

This stylish lunar calendar by Thorburn Collective will help you keep track of the moon’s phases.

The Lunar Amulet for Ceremonies of Intention by For Strange Women is a series of perfumes attuned to each new moon of the year. This version comes in a brass locket with faceted onyx representing the dark moon. There are some really stunning perfume lockets in their shop, like this one and this one.

For proper lunar protection, you’ll need silver. These hammered silver moon phase earrings by Aurora Shadow should fit the bill. Moon phases seem to be A Thing right now, from shirts to nails to cellphone covers, and I’m not opposed to this.

If all else fails, pull out your pyramid of power candle (by Artisan Witchcrafts) and do whatever banishing rituals you need to get your shit back together.

Those are my words of advice. Do with them what you will. And that shall be the whole of the law etcetera etcetera. My hope is that I will return with something more substantive soon. Thank you.

*Disclaimer: I’m not a witch, Wiccan, neopagan or any sort of left-hand-pathfinder. I just really love the trappings and language of the occult, as I’m sure many vaugely Gothy folk do.